14th
APOLLO 18: HOUSTON, WE HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM
[START TRANSMISSION]
On Saturday September 3, 2011, two members of the Martini Movies Collective were sent on special assignment to drink martinis and view one of that weekend’s major (major in the same way that porn stars are STARS really) film releases: APOLLO 18. This is the last known record of their experiences during that event:
11:45 AM: PB arrives at the local, classy watering hole, prepared to drink some classy martinis in preparation for that classy weekend’s classy Martini Movie viewing. With the Labor Day weekend upon New York, attendance at MM that weekend was looking to be spotty at best. PB would be one half of a two-man team, a skeleton crew if you will (not unlike a two man exploration team on the Moon or a classier version of Mojito Movies). Martini Movies had missed the previous weekend’s movies (Thanks, Irene!) and so skipping this new weekend’s fare just wasn’t an option. Someone had to drink the martinis. Someone had to see the sci-fi horror film. And one of those someones was PB.
He tried the door to the bar. LOCKED. A decidedly unclassy thing.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo……..
[Obviously nothing says “class” quite like showing up to the bar before it is open. Obviously.]
11:49 AM Phone conversation
PB: Hey what’s up. What are you doing? Where are you?
MONSTER: I’m like three blocks away.
PB: OK. I am outside the bar. I don’t think they’re open yet.
MONSTER: [laughter] OK.
[End call.]
12:01 PM: PB enters the bar. It was College Game Day, a much more important event in pretty much everywhere else in the United States other than NYC – that bar pretty much had to be open eventually. The Monster arrived shortly afterwards.
12:10 – 1:45: The complete dominance of college football (because clearly someone out there has to give a damn about Penn State/Indiana State) and speakers that were clearly designed for a stadium made for some rough going in the early hours of the Martini Movie excursion. But as it turns out booze and mac & cheese bites (CLASSY mac and cheese bites) heal all wounds and it was soon business as usual for the MM duo. That business? Drinking martinis and noticing how much one of the sideline coaches resembled BMAC. (Because all gingers look alike.)
Sadly, they have no souls.
HIGHLIGHT: The insurance commercial with a spokesman named Tony Nuckolls.
Editorial Note: We’re sorry, but if you are named Tony KNUCKLES and you don’t go into boxing or MMA, then there’s no helping you. You’ve wasted all our time and we hope you’re happy in your miserable and unfulfilled life. Good day, sir.
1:57: PB: Wait, wait, 2:50? The time on the website said 2.
MONSTER: Really?
PB: Yeah is there another movie theater? Have we been going to the other movie theater?
M: Uh no. We’ve always been going to this one. Remember when you almost fell down the escalator trying to grab your 3D glasses?
PB: I told you to never speak of that again!
M: Okay, okay.
[Tickets are purchased for the 2:50 showing of Apollo 18]
PB: I guess we have time for more drinks.
M: To the bar!
[Footage lost here, but just assume it involves them returning to the bar and quickly downing more drinks. In fact, let’s just go ahead and say that’s a given.]
2:50: Our intrepid drunken movie viewers arrive on location (balcony seats no less, ala Statler and Waldorf) just in time for the previews.
“You call this a review? BRING BACK THE BEAR!”
Previews that must have been so unremarkable that we have no record of what they actually were. As this was a low-budget horror flick, let’s assume there was one for an indie dramedy starring either Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Paul Giamatti called SCHLUBBY IN LOVE and one for a torture-porn horror film in a maternity ward called LABOR PAINS. That sounds close enough.
[NOTE: The absence of Wrong from the outing meant no potential fights with fellow audience members. But don’t worry, the dullness of the movie probably beat more out of them anyway.]
Actual review in capsule form (just like the astronauts in this movie who were in a capsule) of APOLLO 18 (Now Apollo is Legal in Most States):
Three astronauts, let’s call them Not-Dennis Quaid, Not-Sam Worthington, and Other Guy (Other Guy is pretty much the most ineffectual Other Guy to ever be the Other Guy in a movie) are sent on a secret mission to the Moon (because we all know how effective the government is at keeping secrets). NDQ and NSW go to the actual moon while Other Guy just Other Guys around in orbit. Surprise, surprise they discover the Russians have landed there as well. If this was an 80s teen comedy, this is when hijinks would ensue and someone would learn how to dance. But no this is a serious business horror film where the Moon… IS the haunted house. Clever enough concept, but dull-as-heck execution. Stuff happens. There’s possibly a Moon Monster (that’s also a moon virus) or something…
Artist’s depiction.
[From earlier at the bar: “Hey the movie starts in 5 minutes.” “Okay, let’s just have ONE more round.”]
Not Dennis Quaid becomes Killer Undead Virus-Infected Not Dennis Quaid and tries to kill someone with Moon powers or something. Eventually all of the astronauts die (in this movie where they forgot there was no gravity in space, spoilers are the LAST thing anyone’s worrying about). And everyone (including our Martini Movies reviewers) leave the theater slightly disappointed.
Out-of-context quotes from the actual movie seen by actual members of Martini Movies
“Don’t make me think of Watergate, Nate” [Note: Okay one of the guys was named Nate apparently.]
“Strange beauty on the backside.” [Indeed character from the movie who said this line of dialogue. Indeed.]
4:35ish: PB and the Monster exit the movie theater. In search of more drinks. To ease the dullness of Apollo 18 and to hash out their plans for the Martini Movies review. Reports vary on their condition following this rather boring exercise. From here there are only flashes of street fairs, bar stools, cigarette smoke, and an overabundance of talk about Tony Knuckles and the various careers he might best be suited for.
[END TRANSMISSION]
In honor of our two drunken, intrepid reviewers let’s keep things classy re: APOLLO 18
C –COMEDY: A few moments of inadvertent horror-based comedy and some “Hey look they’re really trying” banter from Not Dennis Quaid and Not Sam Worthington: 2
L-Ladies: There may have been wives in the beginning footage and for all we know maybe the Moon Monster was a lady. A deadly, sexy Moon Lady. But probably not: 1
A-Action: Some decently intense, horror-action moments. Not Dennis Quaid doing his best Jack in The Shining impression. But it’s a movie that makes space travel dull. Honestly Space Camp made space travel more exciting than this movie: 6
S-Story: Pretty much by-the-numbers horror. Like Blair Witch or Paranormal Activity but ON THE MOON: 5
S-Something Else: The Moon. How about it? Right? People walked on that thing. In space. And they didn’t even have to encounter Moon Monsters or Deadly, Sexy Moon Ladies. Why did they do it? Because of America and because of fuck it why not. 10 for the Moon. Way to go Moon.
